Upornia

I knew Upornia would be my kind of place as soon as I heard the name. All my life, I’ve had the same kind of thoughts whenever I heard someone mention the very concept of utopia. Surely a perfect society would include lots of dirty, depraved sex, right? It’s all hypothetical so I’m sure it’s up for debate, but I know what I’d like in my dream world and I have a feeling you’re with me. Who knows? Perhaps one day humanity will finally establish that ideal civilization, but until then, this next location will give us all something to aspire to.

Upornia.com is a very popular free porn video tube. In fact, it’s so popular that I feel like I’m a little late to the party. They had about 70 million visitors come by with their dicks out last month, which makes them almost as popular as this server and this little smut review site I’m visiting. Well, it’s never too late to join a crowd of horny masturbators, especially when you have plenty of lube. The UPS guy just delivered a new barrel and a shipment of silicone butts, so let’s use these new toys while we see what’s on the menu here.

A glorious vision of a perfect society

According to Wikipedia, our old friend Plato was the first person to present the idea of a utopia. Almost 2,000 years later, Thomas More was another great defender of this idealized society and raised some notions in his golden book, aptly titled Utopia. Upornia is a much more recent concept, the domain registered in 2014. That wasn’t even a decade ago in real years, barely in the span of human history, but now we’re talking about the Internet. At this point, ten years is practically an institution. Hell, they’ve been around long enough that there’s a good chance your grandfather masturbated to this site.
And could you blame him? The design is nothing to write home about, but you have a lot of this content spread all over the homepage like bukkake dough. They offer an excellent range of adult content, covering all your bases, from classic blowjob shows to lesbian shower scenes and ebony cheerleader orgies. There are things kinkier than that, even on the cover, which features women grabbing balls, gratuitous glory hole scenarios, and BBWs getting their fill with more than just food.

They’re also not a bunch of ugly randos doing all that shitting and sucking. Moments after landing, I was seeing all kinds of famous porn stars, rising stars, and absolutely stunning amateurs. I wasn’t even out of the hood when I saw MILFs like Alura Jenson and Cherie DeVille, BBW porn stars like Lila Lovely, fetish models like Ezada Sinn, and A-list video sluts like Abella Danger, Angela White, and Riley Reid. I even saw some of the girls I chatted with and handled dick on PornDudeCasting, like Sera Ryder, Alyx Star, Savannah Bond, and Anissa Kate.

I feel like I’m in good company and I have a feeling you’ll be seeing some of your favorite girls too. Upornia’s pornstar section is well indexed and offers a menu of images from the list that you can probably access on your own. However, there are so many free videos on the menu that there’s no reason to settle for photos.

This Upornia is my utopia

Upornia.com is such a huge porn site that I had a hard time digging to the bottom of the pile. I kept changing the URL, trying to find the last page. It’s over 22,000 pages long, which is crazy. Assuming no replays, there are over 1.3 million videos in the current inventory. Honestly, I’m a little skeptical and wonder if they’re fudging the numbers somewhere, but I’m still impressed.
Given how quickly the library is growing, perhaps this is a legitimate number. They are adding a constant stream of new content to the pile, day and night. I’ve been updating the main page periodically as I prepare this review, and there are a few new videos each time I do so. I don’t know exactly how they get content, but damn, they’re not relaxing.

With paid sites, I’m happy when I see at least one update a week. Free tubes tend to update much faster, especially those with as much traffic as Upornia. These guys are still doing better than you’d expect from a free tube, even just in terms of volume. However, it’s not just the amount of videos they add that impresses me, but also the run times.

Upornia.com has a longer runtime than yours

If you like long movies, try Upornia.com’s Duration menu. Even if you set a maximum of 40 minutes or so, you will have such a large selection that it will take you a long time to complete it all. They have a beautifully designed system that will allow you to combine multiple tags with the length you prefer, helping you narrow down the selection. By checking the Anal and Cuckold boxes, I had three more manageable pages of results to flip through. Looks like I have my weekend planned!

Fapping on my perfect upornia

For my official Upornia fap test, I went back to the main page to see what was added in the last few minutes. Recent uploads included a 36 minute Evil Angel movie starring the lovely Maddy May, who I got to know very well on the PornDudeCasting couch. I’ve been dreaming about her ever since, so naturally I couldn’t wait to see her in action again as soon as I saw her in the thumbnail.
Maddy appears on screen in the opening moments of the film, wearing a beautiful jeweled dress as she makes fuck-me faces at the camera. There’s cheesy music playing in the background as she exposes her nipple piercings and then her ripe ass, leaving the viewer hard, soaked and eager for more. When she shows off her well-manicured bush and the produce beneath it, I can barely contain myself.

I got a little ahead of myself. Just four minutes later, Maddy bends her head over a sophisticated gentleman’s cock. In fact, I didn’t realize it was a group scene until she turned around and started gargling another one, bending down to pull out dingdong number one. It’s an efficient multitasker, a plus in any office or on any porn set. I prefer the latter, for obvious reasons, and I think you will too.

My only complaint is that the resolution seems a little low compared to what I’m used to and there’s no way to adjust it. It doesn’t look like Super Nintendo or anything, but it’s not 4K. Maddy is a beautiful woman, so I wish I could see her perfectly clearly as she talks to these two very lucky gentlemen. The video quality isn’t bad enough to be a deal breaker for most, but I’m not sure I can recommend the site if you’re watching on a big screen.

All in all, it’s a pretty trivial complaint, especially when we’re talking about such a large and varied catalog of free porn movies. The huge selection and wealth of full features are the biggest draws of Upornia.com and, frankly, are some of the best draws a free tube can offer. With my ad blocker working, I saw very little spam and these thin banners won’t interfere with your fap session. This is an easy recommendation for cheapskates looking for a lot of variety and a lot of porn.